


Scar

by mochiJimin



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, f(x)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 07:20:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11939118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochiJimin/pseuds/mochiJimin
Summary: "I thought I would never want to forget a single memory of him. Not until he left me like everyone did.And now no matter how hard I tried, his memories remained.Like the permanent mark on my skin.A Scar."





	Scar

Is it easier to forget something after you throw away everything that reminds you of it? Or would it be better if you change yourself completely in the process? If you changed your favorite color from blue to red, your favorite flavor from chocolate to strawberry, even your favorite movie from tearjerkers to comedy. Will it really help erase everything that you don’t want to remember anymore?

What if even after doing all of that, a single remembrance of your past kept holding you back from forgetting everything completely? And it’s something you’ve done wholeheartedly because you thought you wouldn’t want to forget a single memory.

_It’s been a year already._

The smell of grilling meat and toasted fries hit my nose as soon as I opened that same glass door I never had laid my hands on for too long. I was used to having someone open it for me. The cold feeling of the handle of the door was  foreign to my bare skin and even though I’m not that skinny I had a hard time opening it. But then I stepped back and closed the door again, regretting instantly why I opened it in the first place. The smiling clown on the front door should have been a warning for me not to open it. But I ignored him earlier like I always did before. It seems like it’s the first time that we made eye contact.

“Hello Mr. Clown”

I quickly spun around upon hearing a girl’s voice. For a second I felt afraid that it was my own as a few pair of eyes was looking at me. But I let out a sigh of relief as I saw a little girl trying to hug the statue at the front door. I looked back at the people who were looking at me. They gave me frowns and serious looks, and that’s when I realized I was blocking their way. Ashamed, I stepped to the side without saying a word. But they still gave me curious looks before they entered the glass door.

_I wonder why._

The air was chilly but I am now walking the streets with only a thin oversized shirt and a pair of leggings. I used to dress properly, on the right place and time. But earlier when I had picked up a coat and a thicker clothing, suddenly the one I’m wearing caught my eye and I automatically chose it. I went against my first choice and decided to choose the second.

I continued walking. This place was where I’ve been all my life. Every store and every shop in here felt like second home to me. But I don’t want to go to those places now.

_So where should i go?_

I felt my body started to shake and I took comfort by hugging myself as I saw happy faces walking pass me. _Why does the sun have to shine so bright when it’s this cold?_ I looked around as I stand in the middle of this busy street. These days it has started to become my habit, walking alone, wandering with nowhere to go.

_I was all alone._

I’m still in the process of accepting that reality. It will be dangerous for me to be near an edge of a cliff or even somewhere really high. And it's  because I know I will not be able to balance myself. I felt that my body was paper thin, easily shaken whenever a soft wind blew. I always feel like I’m going to fall. Maybe it’s because I was used to having someone to lean on to support myself.

_But now there’s none._

I didn't even know how I ended up here, but I found myself standing outside a cafe. I wondered if it was new since it was the first time I was seeing it. But then I thought it would be the best choice for me. In a place where every place reminds me of him, this will be my haven. _Or so I thought…_

“What’s your order, ma'am?”

The smiling young lady handed me the menu and I quickly found out it was the same. The big letter C and that brown color for the picture greeted me as soon as I look at it.

“Do you want our chocolate cake maam?”

She must have noticed I was staring at that page.

“It’s our best se—“

“Cheese” I flipped the page quickly hoping to find the thing I just said”Give me one cheese cake please.”

I tried to smile as I pointed at the yellow colored food on the menu. I saw the confused look on the waitress face but then it quickly vanished as she started smiling at me again.

“What do you want for your drink maam?”

This time she spoke slowly which irritated me for some reason, but I tried not to let it show on my face as I pointed at the first thing that caught my attention.

“This...” But then I stopped and closed the brochure, ”just a glass of water please.”I kept forgetting not to order that drink again.

The waitress bowed to me and took her leave. But not before she promised that my order would come quickly.

_And I just have to wait for a while._

I smiled bitterly as I remembered those same words from the back of my mind.

_You just need to wait. And it will come._

I believed him when he said that. For Gods sake, he’s the only person I’ve ever believed in my whole life. And now I know that was just one of my mistakes.

_Him_

I can’t call him my savior. _He was not Jesus_. But still he somehow saved me without him or me knowing it at first. He came just on the time when I was going to need him. So I was exempted from the hurt I was supposed to have. Never would I know back then that he will bring me a different kind of pain. Much worse

_Lee Taemin_

The way he told me that even though I never asked for it was like for me to never forget that name. And I never did. That name was engraved in my memory that maybe even amnesia couldn't erase it.

_He was just different from the guys I’ve met_. He always looked me straight in the eyes whenever we spoke. He would always hold my hand whenever it was shaking. He would always smile whenever I was crying, telling things that I used to love but have grown to hate now.

_“Don’t cry. I’ll always be here with you.”_

He was not my savior but he was my reason to live. And yes that’s a different thing. He didn’t save me from drowning. I tried to survive because I needed to be with him. He didn’t stop me from jumping. But I didn’t because I knew he wouldn't follow me down. I didn’t even realize I was doing things for him and I wasn't living for myself but for him.

_“It’s fading. You should never do it again Krys”_

I was scared whenever he would trace the fading scar line on my arm and even on some part of my legs. I didn’t even want to look at it, scared that I would not see it there anymore. That feeling when he touched my scar made it enough for me to like having it there. I’ve always wanted it to stay on my skin. Permanently.

So that’s the only time I rebelled against him. Whenever a scar faded I would start to cut myself again not because of other reasons but just him. I wanted his touch so badly I’ll do everything for him to.

_So now it’s still on my skin, but now without his touch to soothe and comfort me._

“Here’s your order maam”

I barely look up as a plate of cake and a glass of water was placed on the table. As i tucked a strand of hair behind my ears, I made a slight nod to acknowledge the one who delivered it.

“Enjoy your meal”

But as I heard the voice again i realized it was a guy. For some reason, I find myself slowly looking up at the waiter. But even before I can see his face, he has already turned his back at me. And all i saw is his dark brown hair.

_Just like when he turned his back at me._

When I found out he was just like everyone else. His dark brown hair was the last thing I saw as he started leaving me like everyone did.

_ I'm a fool for thinking he really would want to stay. _

My hand shook as I reached out for the fork on my table. I tried to breathe normally as I put my attention on the food. It was a special day for me so I should celebrate. Right…I should call my friends over so I won’t be alone in celebrating so I picked up my phone and scrolled through my contacts. But then alll of a sudden I felt my eyes become blurry, I could barely see anything. And as a droplet fell on my phone screen I decided to put it down.

_Who would want to stay with a girl like me._

I felt my hand shake even more as I held the fork near my mouth and started taking a bite on the cheesecake I just ordered. I wondered why I couldn't taste anything. I found myself taking a bite after another without even really chewing the food. I just wanted to know what it tasted like but I really can’t taste any of the sweetness a cheesecake should taste like.

_You should not cry in front of everyone Krys._

I realized my tears were now flowing non-stop as my cheeks were wet already.

_You shouldn’t let anyone know your weak side. Or else they’ll end up hurting you more._

Now I finally understood what he was trying to say. I wonder if it was a warning for me that I choose to ignore. Either way I know now that what he said was true.

 I could feel everyone stares directed at me. And if not for the soft tune coming from the food shops radio it would have been awfully quiet. But I don’t know what I really cared more about now. What everyone thought of me, or what I thought about myself.

I should have stopped crying but I needed to let it all out. In a public place like this I knew I should not do it but I didn’t really care about anyone anymore. I forced myself to continue eating despite the curious glances and pitiful looks from everyone inside the shop. But as I was about to pick up my fork again, my plate was pulled away and replaced by the flavor that had always been my favorite.

“It’s our best seller. You should try it maam.”

I looked up as I heard the guy’s voice from earlier. For a moment I froze as I saw his face but as my eyes landed on his name plate I felt a sudden relief.

“It’s my favorite too”

He whispered and I blinked as I saw another resemblance of him when he smiled. The way his lips formed into a smirk and how the corner of his eyes crinkled. It's just like him.

“Why are you here alone? Where's--”

“Stop flirting with our customer Jongin!”

“Sorry Boss!”

I was startled as he reached out for my hand and then placed a white handkerchief. His eyes sparkled as he still smiled at me before turning his back and went to the counter. He disappeared again as he went inside a door and that’s when I realized my crying stopped. I dabbed the handkerchief on the wet stains on my cheeks and smelled a different scent. It was different from the perfume Taemin always used. This one was light and almost had a rose-like scent. The scent I have always liked. I was about to stand up when I noticed the chocolate cake on my table.

“I’m the one who baked it!”

His head peeked from the door again and I tried to stifle a laugh finding it amusing. Someone must have pulled him inside as he disappeared again and now it was only his voice I was hearing. It seemed to be the only thing that didn’t resemble him. It was not until I heard his laugh that I found out two differences. I like how his laugh sounds.

“Excuse me. I’m going to take that out. How much..?”

The cashier gave me the receipt and I looked at her as I didn’t see the cost of the chocolate cake listed. It seemed like she understood it instantly as she smiled at me before handing me the already boxed cake.

“My coworker said he’s going to pay for it” she said while shaking her head

I just nodded and smiled as I took out money from my wallet.

“And he said..."she looks behind her before whispering to me"...he want's to know your name”

I blinked twice as i just looked at her. And she only sighed in return.

That day at that new café when I was doing my best to celebrate our first year of breaking up, I met him. 

A guy who look exactly like Taemin, smiled exactly like him, who has the same brown hair, but someone who laughed differently. It never gave me that nervous feeling I felt with Taemin because I was afraid of losing him and not hearing that laugh again. But instead it made my heart feel warm.I knew that it will be okay, even if I won’t be able to hear that laugh anymore. It’s enough that I heard it once. It’s enough to keep it on my memory and to remember it for years.

“So are you gonna come back to that cafe?”

I finally started to live my life like the normal person I should have been even before Taemin entered my life. I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me that when he left I really had no hope anymore.

“I’m afraid not”

But now i finally started having friends, getting a job, now that my life doesn’t revolve around him. I even went back to liking things that I used to like all along without the worry of being reminded of Taemin again.

“Why?”

I never thought that one simple encounter with someone who looked so much like him would be the eye opener I’ve been waiting all along. I didn’t need Taemin to be happy. He should not be the reason why I should live.

“I don’t want more memories of him.”

Now I finally realized that there is really no way you can forget about your past. So whenever you have bad memories you want to forget you just need to replace it with better and happy ones.

“What I have was enough”

I don't know if the scars on my skin will fade in time and I don’t want another one to worry about. Kim Jongin, the guy at that cafe. His laugh stayed in my memory along with the white handkerchief i have never given him back. 

But i have no plan on meeting him again. I don't want him to be just another scar.


End file.
